Rusted Fork Logo W  e  l  c  o  m  e    S  p  a  c  e    B  r  o  t  h  e  r  s

Letters and Advice

talking ewing credits
letters and advice

Letters and Advice

We are proud to bring you our open forum page. Now is your chance to voice your opinion or ask your questions about Welcome Space Brothers, your love life, metric to english conversion (if only NASA had talked to us), and whatever else. If we don't know the answer, we will give you a wrong one. Sorry, we can't post letters from filmmakers seeking funding other than those directly involved with Rusted Fork Media, LLC.

Send a letter or question or comment to:

December 21, 2001

Dear Rusted Fork Media,

Are the multi-talented artists who created "Welcome Space Brothers" obsessive twits? No, No! They are blessed with artistic obsession! A free-flowing unfettered mind requires, even demands, an anchor in reality, e. g. Mr. Schirmer's fixation with spelling. The indie film maker George Lucas locked the first dollar he ever made in a Lucite box, believing as he does, that it emits a haunting call that causes the other dollars that fly through the atmosphere to land in his vicinity. Artistic obsessions are the mark of true genius.

Norm Crawford

PS - Your letters feedback gizzmo doesn't work.


Dear Norm,

Thanks for the G. Lucas Lucite box information. We may just construct one here at the home office. Know any good lucite vendors? Should the box have a padlock or something? I'd kinda hate for someone to swipe the dollar if they're short on cash for a can of Orange Fanta.

Oh, and we'll get right to work on our letters gizmo, although we have so many letter gizmos it may take a bit of troubleshooting time here at the Rusted Fork Media Super Computer Clean Room to get things worked out.

Yours truly,
Rusted Fork Media

November 7, 2001


I am Parimal from India and is desirous to make movie based on Sanjay Sonawani's novel "Last of the Wanderers". This novel portrays period of first century AD when many nomadic tribes were wandering accross the central Asia. This is tale of the Kushan tribe depicting its strife, agonies and transition to civilized society.

Brief summary of the novel is as below:

Set at the beginning of first century AD, when from, China to Bactria, man was still a savage and wandering creature and had not staked his claim on the earth, the story is a moving account of one tribešs struggle against hostile circumstances, belligerent neighbours and a ruthless destiny. And how this tribe, smoldering with a sense of revenge, manages to survive the menace of both, man and nature and reach Hindustan, where they finally finds a quiet abode and settle down. They were the Kushans.

More details on this novel can be found on If someone can suggest me who could be good director for this movie I will be too glad.

Parimal Gole, India


Mr. Gole,

Wow, this sounds like a whopper of a tale! I did not realize that there were still savages living in Asia in the first century AD. Did they ever run into any Romans? That would be a great scene. I love filming Romans with all of their feathers and helmets and it's really easy to rent the right costumes.

I do believe, however, that you may want to invest in a screenwriter to adapt your novel before you initiate a search for a director. Having a script is always nice, and people are always impressed when you have a bunch of pages with dialogue on them.

Let us know if you want to find any good screenwriters. We know a bunch. In fact I'm thinking about the Hoeber Brothers. They might be perfect for this sort of adaptation. Did they have gunpowder back then in those tribes? What did they like to eat?

Please keep us informed.
Rusted Fork Media

October 16, 2001

Dear Sir,

Please let me introduce us, NBC Models. We are a Hungarian modeling agency specialised in fashion models, hostesses, and dancers.

For the fashion and advertision photography, promotional works, video clips, we have more than 100 attractive models. Most of them studiing in collage and speak foreign languages (mostly english). They are very pretty, well dressed. Knows the social life.

Continously we are looking for new faces, one of this method is we organise 2-3 modelling and dancing contests in Hungary we also have a big advertising campaign, and media support.

We are working in the following areas: fashion (advertising works, promotion), casting faces (TV, commercial, video clip), hostess (formula-1), dancers (video clips, shows).

Now we are searching for serious partners, contacts. We are intrested to work with you, and if you are intrested to cooperate with you we are waiting your reply.

Best regards,
Mario L.
Casting Director, NBC Models, Hungary.



Thanks for the information on all of your Eastern European models! We are intrigued. We might be able to use a hostess over here at our home office, although we think we need a better understanding of what your hostesses actually do. Speaking of English is a definite plus, as is show dancing, since we like to put on a show over here every once in a while. Are any of your ladies good with puppets?

Please send us video of your dance contest. Thanks!

Yours truly,
Rusted Fork Media

December 6, 2000

Dear George,

Thank you for submitting your film for consideration to the 2001 Sundance Film Festival. Regretfully, I must inform you that it has not been selected for inclusion by our committee. We appreciate having had the opportunity to view your work and want you to know that the final decision making process was a very difficult one.

Due to the extraordinary number of entries we have received, I am not able to comment at length about yoiur film. I wish you the best of luck with this project and your forthcoming work. I hope you will give the Festival the same consideration in the future.

Geoffrey Gilmore
Director, Film Festival Programming
Co-Director, Sundance Film Festival



Thank you for the warm and personal rejection letter. Since you won't be able to comment at length about our film, we eagerly anticipate your abbreviated comments about our work and assume they will be arriving in a future correspondence. In fact, I'll bet it's in the mailbox right now. Oh goodie, I'll go check...

It wasn't there. Maybe tomorrow?

In any case Geoffrey, we must congratulate you on your programmed slate of truly independent film-making full of fresh and previously unseen faces and cinematic voices. If you need anyone to bake cookies for a reception, or bring some apple juice to a screening, just let us know. We're all about the community and are ready to help out.

October 23, 2000

To: Rusted Fork Media, LLC
From: Kirsten Lynch, (Name of large tobacco conglomerate withheld)
Re: Talking Ewing

It has come to our attention (here at this very large and powerful tobacco company) that you own the rights to a powerful new brand equity...The Talking Ewing. We think this has the potential to be VERY HOT with the young folks... you know, gen x, gen y, gen-WHATEVER!!! Think of the potential. The new Smoking Ewing cigarettes for a new generation. It'll be hotter than Jennifer Lopez! A transformation from The Talking Ewing to The Smoking Ewing! This is hot...totally hot! It will be the new craze - it will go down in history with the Taco Bell dog "Yo Quiero Taco Bell" and the Wendy's lady "Where's the Beef!" We'll merchandise it. The Smoking Ewing will be everywhere: billboards, t-shirts, mousepads, pens, pencils, lunchboxes, action-figurines, you name it. Let us know ASAP if you are interested in this exciting opportunity to create a new American Icon...The Smoking Ewing!


To: Kirsten A. Lynch, (Name of large tobacco conglomerate withheld)
From: George Nachtrieb, Rusted Fork Media LLC
Re: Talking to Smoking Ewing Conversion

We are very interested in your offer to transition our copywritten Talking Ewing into a global branding vehicle for the tobacco industry. We know that tobacco faces serious revenue obstacles in the present and future and can understand the appeal and potential of our character to dramatically increase corporate sales (resulting in a very large and generous bonus for you Ms. Lynch, I'm sure). As I am sure you are aware, Rusted Fork Media LLC has received a number of highly lucrative offers from other corporations and institutions who are very interested in employing our Talking Ewing in their global marketing campaigns. The brand possibilities of this character are obvious, and the corporate world has taken notice in a big way. While we have yet to make any final decisions, we are still fielding numerous bids from other Fortune 500 institutions as well as organizations such as the Post Office. Ms. Lynch, what needs to happen now is for you to, "Show us the money," to use the popular vernacular. We look forward to hearing your response and placing your corporation on our "short list."

August 20, 2000

Dearest Rusted Fork Media LLC,

I've been coming to your website sporadically for a few months now, and I want to know if you have any Olympic hopefuls on your staff. I know that the progressive folks at UPS have a program to cultivate their deliverer-athletes and was wondering if you had a similar corporate sponsorship program to help keep America on top of the medal count. Thanks in advance for your reply. --- Melinda Torvalds, Saint Paul. MN.



What a great question. As it turns out, we do have a special training program to encourage our athlete-artist-comedians. Director of Photography Julie Kirkwood, for example, had long aspired to compete in the pole vault. As a little girl, Julie was repeatedly told that women were not allowed to leap in the air while grasping a long flexible pole. But did this deter our Rusted Fork Media, LLC athlete? HELL NO!

Never one to take NO for an answer, Julie found an old Banyan tree limb and began to secretly practice vaulting over small objects in her backyard. She started with objects like piles of dirt and gradually worked up to vaulting wheelbarrows, ears of corn, and stacks of old newspaper. It was not long before Julie had perfected her vault and had smuggled to the U.S. her very own regulation pole she purchased on the Mexican underground pole vault pole market.

Many years later, Julie qualified for last months Olympic trials and, much to all of our disappointment, failed to make the team by a mere eighteen centimeters. We're incredibly proud of her though, and she's already resolved to keep up the hard training and try again in 2004. Keep going Julie, Rusted Fork Media is proud of you! --->RFM

July 19, 2000

Dear Rusted Fork Media LLC,

I would like to know if you guys plan on doing any big Hollywood-like promotional events. You know, appearing on talk shows, signing books, that kind of thing?

Just Curious. Larry McFarlane, Dallas Texas


Well Larry,

Great question and thanks for the letter.

We have not received booking requests from Access Hollywood, Entertainment Tonight, Letterman, Conan, or even Hollwood Squares (Peter has his eye on the top right square, we must confess) so we have no publicity dates to officially anounce. We are, however, planning a lunch appearance at Zankou Chicken this Thursday around 1pm. If any of you press folk are in the area of Sunset and Normandy, you are more than welcome to stop by and watch as George pits his stomach against the mighty chicken tarna platter. Others are also welcome to stop by the Hollywod eatery and discuss the finer aspects of filmmaking.

May 5, 2000

It's rumor mongering, not monging.

Unless you mean to apologize only for rumor monging.

-Duane Schirmer


We thought we'd put this up here to express an overwhelming gratitude for the watchful eye of Mr. Schirmer. Throughout the past year, Duane has readily informed us of our various spelling errors on this site.

Duane also raises a good issue here. What exactly is the difference between monging rumors and mongering them? Thank you Duane, and please note, the change was made!

April 7, 2000

Wondering how you guys get people to come to your site. I found it through google, but what are people searching for when they get here?
-Maurice Bedford, Boston, MA


An interesting question indeed! We receive numerous visits from folks who find and while searching for something on a search engine. And thanks to a fancy new web log system on our server, we can actually see what keywords people were searching for when they stumbled upon our site.

Here is a sampling of actual search words people entered and found our site (and these are real)

  • holstein cow
  • welcome space brothers
  • independent film production
  • buffalo mozarella
  • lawn-gnome
  • nike tuned air max trainers purchase online
  • wearing a cow costume
  • mozarella production
  • protective biohazard suits pictures
  • car accidents footage
  • space cows (and cows in space)
  • jim jarmush
  • jennifer leitzes
  • rust
  • buttock photgraphy

We are a bit befuddled by the amount of people who went to our site looking for information about mozarella. How does this internet thing work??

March 22, 2000

Just wanted to let you guys know that in the January 30, 2000 Rusted Fork Media Superbowl Report, at the end where you use the word "snafoo," the correct spelling for that is "SNAFU." The only reason I'm telling you this is because I thought you might like to know what it stood for (it's an acronym, once made popular in the military days of yore) -- Situation Normal -- All F**ked Up.
- Erin Bradley 1Lt ACC/PAVM, Langley, VA

Reply: Hey, Its another Erin Bradley! Not the Erin Bradley from the film! How exciting! Feel the power of the web!
All the best - RFM


All Content Copyright 2000 Rusted Fork Media, LLC