The latest embellished news from the company - now with many many months of superfantastic gossip.
June 25, 2005
James Bewley and Lizzie Chambers are in a fight! Sources tell us that at a recent chance encounter between the two at a posh LA screening escalated to an intense showdown of icy stares. While some more naive onlookers believed it was merely an instance of Lizzie not wearing her contact lenses, others "in the know" possessed the real backlot backstory between the DP and Actor's fesity friction. Look out Mr. and Mrs. Smith! Fortunately, a metal detector at the movie theater prevented any metal from getting invovled in the shenanigans. And, Lizzie, if you want this taken down so it doesn't show up on Google, you're gonna have to return our phonecalls, girl.
In other gossip, Duane Shirmer continues to work through producing and performing every Sam Shepard play as a solo performance by the year 2009. This summer Duane will be doing a sultry cabaret-style version that combines "True West" and "Curse of the Starving Class" into one unforgettable evening.
Short Rumor Bits: Frank Castro appears to be logged onto Yahoo Messenger. Dylan Southard, WSB Intern, now drinks Absinthe and has been seen Krumping in Venice. Kimberly Richards has become a travelling nun. Anne Zesiger is a Gloria Estefan impersonator. Doug Kassel and John Remak were spotted biking through "Corn Euphoria" camp at Burning Man. Erin Bradley pahked the cah heah. And, finally, George Nachtrieb shaved off more hair than originally planned.
January 6, 2004
Rustedfork Media is proud to announce the successful landing of our very own Mars Rover! Constructed out of our semi-functional breakroom toaster oven and the circuitry from our now out of date video camera, our rover is now scanning the rockfields of Mars looking for sticks or balls to fetch. We are happy to report that the Rover has been sending us some stunning images, including this self-portrait:
In other Rustedfork gossip, George has been busying himself with preparations for the always exiting Fresno fashion week where he hopes to impress super-models with his coin collection. Peter was caught in his spotted owl suit again, and Frank Castro was taken into Philadelphia police custody after mooning the Liberty Bell.
July 24, 2003
George has been freed! Forced to toil for six hard months in the media dungeon of a corporate empire/cult, George was miraculously rescued by a visiting team of Cirque du Soleil contortionists. It took George several weeks for him to get used to seeing sunlight and smiling faces, but he now reports better health and is ready to resume his duties presiding over the Rusted Fork Media Friday donut meeting.
Peter, the other RFM principal, is only somewhat happy to have his brother George back at the offices. While he relieved at his brother's safety, he enjoyed having full use of the corporate washroom. George has always had a habit of washing his armpits in the freestanding granite sink, a practice he apparently did not abandon during his corporate abduction.
In other news, Rusted Fork associate Duane Schirmer was recently spotted in his luxury box at Pac Bell during the Giant's recent miraculous homestand against the Arizona Diamondbacks. While Duane's presence in the box is no surprise to Giants fans, the fact that he was grunting while rapaciously feasting on live crab in plain view of the visitors dugout seemed to be somewhat out of character for the normally subdued Mr. Schirmer.
November 12, 2002
Gossip, gossip, gossip. Mmmm, we love our gossip almost as much as really shiny rocks. Anyhooo, lots to report in this Rusted Fork behind the scenes celebrity activity report. So, let's quit dilly dallying and get to the goods:
Peter Nachtrieb has not been neutered, contrary to popular belief. He did, however, help take a neighbor's adopted street cat to the vet for a bit of spaying, so perhaps that is where the confusion got started in the first place. Peter is just not the "let's get neutered" type, plus he still has to honor his sperm donation contract for the next eight months.
While reciting lines for her part in the La Brea Playhouse player's presentation of Gilbert and Sullivan's Mikado, Sally Dana apparently took her "method acting" a tad too far. Reportedly, Ms. Dana chased a series of frightened Halloween trick-or-treaters from her doorstep while dressed in a kimono and wielding an oversized Samurai sword. The West Hollywood police were called by concerned cell-phone armed parents, and Ms. Dana was taken to "cool off" for a few hours in the police station lounge.
Composer Eban Schletter was recently spotted waiting in line for coffee at the popular Silverlake java dispensery, The Big Brown Bean. Admiring tourists politely asked if they could touch Eban, a request he generously agreed to. Andy Dick and his prickly celebrity colleagues could learn a thing or two from the public friendly Schletter.
According to FBI reports, UFO cult member actor Duane Schirmer went into hiding shortly after the San Francisco Giants lost the World Series to the monkey infested Anaheim Angels. We hope that he emerges safely, and is available to cheer for his hometeam in the years to come. If Duane agrees to resume his normal life, the FBI has offered a nice tin of Danish Butter cookies.
July 2, 2002
We would like to announce the following: Rusted Fork Media has overstated earnings by $5.38 in the last fiscal quarter. The $5.38 spent on the purchase of two cartons of now consumed Minute Maid orange juice were categorized as "capital expenditures," and then listed as assets. This inflated our quarterly profits to the tune of $5.38. Rusted Fork Media hereby apologizes to shareholders and the public at large. We have employed vigorous measures to ensure this type of accounting action will not take place again. Bookkeeper Frank Castro has been banished from the executive washroom and must now use the public bathroom at the Denny's across the street.
In addition, we encourage shareholders to ignore the fact that Martha Stewart sold her shares in our company a day before this official public orange juice asset disclosure. It was just a coincidence.
April 15, 2002
We won't kid you folks, the rumors appear to be true, so stop cold pressing those Olives and read on...
It has been confirmed that Rusted Fork Media principal George Nachtrieb did in fact direct instructional safety videos for the embattled Enron Corporation. Credited under his familiar alias, Jeremy Rimbauld, George's most infamous title, "How to Safely Operate a High Volume Paper Shredder" has now been introduced as evidence at congressional hearings as well as in several lawsuits. George hopes that he will not be asked to testify in any of the proceedings, as he is currently thoroughly engaged in training for the 2002 Monk and Hermit Olympics.
Sally Dana is angry with the Pope again. Only this time, we're not sure why.
"Sometimes, I wish he'd just spank that damn monkey!" were the exasperated words uttered by animal handlers working at Rusted Fork Media's Animal Adventure Park and Hot Wax Car Wash. Seems that on a recent Tuesday feeding, Rusted Fork principal Peter Nachtrieb persisted in giving extra fruit to the company gorilla, Momo. It was a feeble attempt to stop one of the ape's frequent temper tantrums that always seem to follow the unplugging of Baywatch reruns in preparation for bedtime teeth brushing. Peter, not one who believes in spanking (unless, of course, it's consensual, but that's another story), yelled back at the handlers, "Lots of monkey spanking after Baywatch is not going to solve anything!"
After a productive tax meeting at H&R Block, cow costumer Sarah Meyer decided to treat herself to a scoop of mint chip from a local Baskin&Robbins. She hopes to be able to take the scoop as some sort of deduction on her 2002 return. We wish you luck Sarah!
February 11, 2002
New Rustedforker emeritus, Eban Schletter, was recently seen piloting his one man dirigible over the Silverlake reservoir here in the City of the Angels. Eban was performing the daring publicity stunt for his record label, netherota records (netherota.com), when he was attacked mid-flight by a pack of local geese defending their nesting positions on the south shore. Luckily Eban was able to frighten the flock with several sharp blasts from his on-board B sharp air horn, and the remainder of his flight continued without incident. Eban is one heck of a balloon pilot and can be seen in air shows at California's Travis AFB as well as select locations in the Tri-State Area.
The gossip section would like to request that Kim Richards stop demanding to be listed in these reports. Your pleas have become tiresome and the brownies need to be of better quality in order for a mention in these hallowed gossip postings.
Rusted Fork Board member William C. Youngs was recently spotted chasing owls at the Pasadena Bird Sanctuary. While resident ornithologists did not condone the behavior, Mr Youngs was apparently successful in getting the resident great horned owl to issue mating hoots, a sound not heard for many anxious months. Mr. Youngs plans to return to the sanctuary to see if further enticement will continue to bring the reluctant owl back to mating form.
Rusted Fork Media test audience members Keith Snyder, Erich Hoeber, Jon Hoeber and Jennifer Leitzes were all seen holding hands and perfecting their almost famous maypole dance. For the last three years, the four have been performing in traditional costume for the third graders at the Ben Franklin Middle School in Palms, Los Angeles. This year they hope to be joined by the always animated and historically authentic Scott Wiper for a Hungarian saber dance.
For those worried about Frank Castro after the last update (see below), he is feeling a lot like a man again. We're all relieved. Frank says thanks for all of your letters of concern.
January 7, 2002
A new year has sadly brought with it Rusted Fork associate Frank Castro's annual obsession with male pregnancy.
It was a freezing Los Angeles January night two years ago when Mr. Castro settled down in his posh Hollywood apartment for his Tuesday "Double Movies with Me" night and popped in the first feature, "Mr. Mom," starring Michael Keaton. Something downright estrogenic stirred in Mr. Castro's soul as he saw Mr. Keaton raise his children in a energetic, enthralling and inspiring way. (He also garnered much inspirtation from co-performer, Teri Gar.)
It was at this moment that Mr. Castro first entertained the idea of becoming pregnant. But, he quickly dashed this thought to the back recesses of his head, as the idea was ludicrous.
But then, Mr Castro watched his second feature of the "Double Movies with Me" combo pack: Junior.
The classic Arnold Schwarzenegger/Ivan Reitman gem about an unwitting man who gets pregnant set Mr. Castro off into a monthlong obsession of becoming pregnant. He visited every fertility clinic in Southern California. He became wildly intrigued by records of male lactation. He sought help from Scientologists. He even registered at Gap Baby.
Fortunately, an intervention by various Rusted Fork friends, with an especially stirring "tough love treatment" by Kim Richards, set Mr Castro off his wild quest for that which only fictional male characters and amoebas can do, and he's been doing extremely well since, even dating.
Still, every January since, Mr. Castro waxes maternal. He buys diapers. He hums a bit. He gets ultrasounds for no reasons. We wish him well.
In other gossip, an Asteroid almost hit the Earth.
November 14, 2001
Anne Zesiger, renowned for her stirring performance as Nurse Mildred in
Welcome Space Brothers, was recently spotted in line at the Chez Panisse
valet line. Dressed for the seasonable Berkeley CA chill in a black
pashmina, the sultry nurse portrayer chatted with fans who requested that
Zesiger give her patented "serum A scowl." Gracious as always, Zesiger
scowled, much to the delight and semi fright of a waiting valet attendant.
Meanwhile, several thousand miles away, fellow nurse portrayer John Remak
was seen grilling his own octopus at a beachside cafe while vacationing in
Greece. Dressed in Hawaiian casuals, Remak delighted a crowd of locals with
bawdy interpretations of Chaucer's Canterbury tales. The laughs reached
their peak when the always animated Remak, thrust BBQ tongs in the air
during the finale of the MillerŐs Tale. Locals were so thrilled with the
performance, they showered him with chilled sea grass, the highest token of
esteem on the Greek islands. Way to go, John!
Fresh out of melon rehab is Rusted Fork principal Peter Nachtrieb, who ate
two too many Cantaloupe while partying with friends at Las Vegas' infamous
Flamingo Hotel last August. Shortly after room service computers noticed
that Nachtrieb had already eaten fifteen melon halves, he was found in the
bird forest trying to embrace a penguin. This has been Peter's third
attempt to kick his melon problems. Frighteningly, scant weeks after his
release from the treatment center, Peter was spotted wandering the aisles of
the Marin Farmers Market sampling organic apples. We hope this is not the
beginning of another perilous slide towards Honeydew or, heavens forbid,
Crenshaw. From there itŐs only a few bites back to Cantaloupe. Hang in
October 28, 2001
Damn that Bewley! After patiently hiding in a Rusted Fork Media LLC office
closet for some twelve hours, Mr. James Bewley crept out undercover of the night
shadows and went to work copying his various body parts on the copy machine
before wall-papering them all over Peter Nachtrieb's corner office. Some
speculate this act was in retaliation for Peter's consumption of the last
fudgecicle, a fudgecicle that Bewley had apparently already claimed with a
large blue post-it that said, "This is James Bewley's ice treat. Do not
Whatever the case, James, there are better ways to resolve disputes here at
Rusted Fork Media. Next time think about consulting the magic eightball or
rubbing the belly of the wisdom duck. Peter needs to stop eating other
people's frozen treats, but that is a whole separate issue.
(Peter - How the heck do you spell "fudgecicle?")
August 23, 2001
Shocking gossip from Rusted Fork Media, LLC! It has
been reported by select insiders that George Nachtrieb
is not in fact George Nachtrieb at all. As it turns
out, the supposed George Nachtrieb is actually someone
named Jerry Cramunld.
Evidently, Jerry infiltrated Rusted Fork Media several
months ago and was soon passing himself off as George
Nachtrieb in order to use the large company crane,
still in operation in the parking structure. Soon he
began passing himself off in a number of other
situations including as chief operating wet bar
operator, museum director and geriatric public
relations liaison. In a matter of weeks, everyone had
forgotten the real George Nachtrieb (whereabouts still
unknown, but reports are filtering in that he has been
abducted by a rogue cable TV show) and had accepted
Mr. Cramunld as Mr. Nachtrieb.
Luckily the imposter has been identified and the
situation will hopefully soon be rectified.
May 8, 2001
Can it be true?
Anonymous informants in the house of Nachtrieb have
reported that RFM principal George is consulting with
a dietitian to develop a diet to gain an additional
seventy pounds. This would get George tipping the
scales at about 285. So inspired was George by Renee
Zelwiger's brave and dramatic weight gain for her role
in the Bridget Jones Diary, George has decided to
follow suit. Despite having no movie to speak of,
George has apparently decided to do put on the pounds
Apparently George has already gained ten pounds in two
and a half weeks after ingesting a steady diet of
garlic chicken, pork ribs and quarts of wavy gravy ice
Rest assured, we here at the gossip column will
endeavor to snap secret photos of George's weight gain
and publish them here before either Cosmo or Sports
Illustrated gets their greasy little fingers all over them.
February 6, 2001
Check this out:
George is still considering getting a nice set of calf implants. He needs to save more money though. Editor David Klagsbrun has been quite pleased with the calf implants he received in August of 2000, so George is thinking it's about time he jumped in there and got it all done himself before beach season really kicks in.
Rusted Fork Media brother associate, Edward Nachtrieb, was recently spotted in the Mojave Desert collecting sage brush bundles for a two hundred foot hedgehog sculpture he hopes to complete for the public by the end of July 2001. Using found twigs, dried oregano leaves and two thousand rolls of duct tape, Ed hopes to have the piece finished for his summer deadline. We'll try to keep you posted with any exciting developments.
Peter, currently employed as a lead mascot for the XFL franchise, "The San Francisco Demons," has a sore back due to a power-lift mishap with the lovely and splendidly endowed cheerleader, Bethany Odell. We hope they'll both be back in action soon to cheer those Demons to more victories!
January 8, 2001
Here are some recent Rusted Fork Media celebrity sightings:
Duane Schirmer was spotted at the Nieman Marcus on San Francisco's
famous Union Square. While browsing a nice rack of aubergine fleece
sportcoats, our sources report that Duane kindly signed a few autographs
and posed for pictures with enamored fans. He then made a pit stop at
the snack center for one of Nieman Marcus' famous, ultra secret recipe,
chocolate chip cookies.
Also in San Francisco, Doug Kassel was spotted cozying up with Hungarian
supermodel, "Kloob." We think that's her real name, but it can't be
confirmed. Kassel was sipping a club soda, and was pulled on stage to
play his drums during a few numbers with the Elmore Five Jazz Quartet.
While overnighting at the posh Fontainbleu hotel on Houston's West Bank,
known for it's artistic haunts and gourmet bookstores, Peter Nachtrieb
reportedly threw a screaming fit when room service failed to bring
chopsticks with his pancakes. Peter, notorious for eating all of his
foods with chopsticks, demanded to speak with a manager and, according
to shocked witnesses in the lobby, screamed, "How many times to I have to
repeat myself?! Chopsticks! Chopsticks! Chopsticks! When I order
Champagne, bring me damn Chopsticks! Wooden ones and not that plastic
Less combative was Mara Gerstein, flying to vacation in New York City
with her beautiful Austrian Stonehoud, Hans. The adorable pooch, who
apparently flew business class with Mara, was given extra peanuts and
olives by the adoring flightstaff. Mara, meanwhile, spent the entire
trip with a eucalyptus steam towel wrapped around her apparently
December 25, 2000
Rusted Fork co-founder Peter Nachtrieb stayed up all night to solve the age old mystery of Santa Claus. He did not see the red robed philanthropist, but did suffer a slight leg cramp after twelve hours stuffed in his Christmas tree/observation blind.
November 28, 2000
Chad chad chad chad chad chad.
The wonders of chads, as well as other election issues, was all that was talked about at this year's Thanksgiving Dinner at the Nachtrieb compound in San Anselmo. After two rounds of Old Fashionds and several bottles of Chardonnay, the opinions and epithets flew about the table, resulting in a wild back and forth battle between the relatives from Texas, and all the relatives not from Texas (a significant majority). Most notable quotes from this battle of wits were "Tipper is crack snorting hussy" and "George W. THIS!"
Before the cranberries and the "not in the turkey" stuffing were hurled as projectiles of democratic discourse, the tension was miraculously broken when Nachtrieb Patriarch, Harold, firmly announced his decision get his own "dimpled harlot." and that we would also all want dimpled harlots too "if we had rocks in our bottom. [Note: the last joke in that sentence involving the rocks is only going to be funny to people in the Nachtrieb family, so don't try going too deep into that one if you're not family. Once in a while we at Rusted Fork Media LLC will drop a little "in joke" into these gossip columnae. Our apologies to those of you who are not in.]
The laughter immediately erupted following Mr. Nachtrieb's clever replacement of the word "ballot" with the word "harlot," both of which apparently can be dimpled. This brilliant peacemaking bit of humor allowed the family to have a simply delightful rest of Thanksgiving filled with good food, lots of kids, and unpleasant stories about testing whether cats do indeed land on their feet.
October 26, 2000
Plans for George and Peter Nachtrieb to attend the Rusted Fork Media Halloween "Thrill Party and tasty Boooooofet" dressed as members of the cast of "The Golden Girls" has been scrapped. Talks broke down between the two brothers over who would get to play the Bea Arthur character, and who would be Betty White. Both brothers were really pushing to be Bea Arthur, and despite a modest proposal by 3rd Nachtrieb brother Edward (who was going to be Blanche) that all 3 Nachtrieb brothers should go as Bea Arthur (which some may consider a stroke of comic genius), the sides were too far apart to come to any resolution. An additional demand by brother Peter to receive cable residuals for his performance in Welcome Space Brothers only added more tabasco to the negotiation guacamole.
The biggest loser of this whole affair is Frank Castro, who had been practicing his Estelle Getty for months, and now is left without any other Golden Girls to play with.
October 9, 2000
George Nachtrieb is in a bad mood. James Bewley ate too much candy.
September 15, 2000
After learning to juggle, Rusted Fork Media super
supporter, Ursula Nachtrieb, is planning to introduce
a quartet of flaming bowling balls into her ever
developing act. We wish her well in the coming months
of training and hope that the stick-up coated asbestos
gloves we bought her from IKEA come in handy. The last knife and cabbage
number was a winner, so we can't wait to see what wild
stuff Ursula invents with the big balls of fire.
In other gossip, George Nachtrieb was recently spotted
having tea in the esplanade of the Halmona Gardens
just off uber-hip Melrose. He was dressed, as always,
in his red leather unitard was seen signing autographs
for his adoring tea loving fans. While in the past
George has been moody and unapproachable, we here in
the gossip section have noticed a general warming
trend in Mr. Nachtrieb's demeanor. Maybe he's
finally settling in to the new nose job or it could be
the rumored romance brewing with waif model Unga
Frittermunger, the Blugarian runway rising star. In
any case, it's great to see George in such great spirits.
August 20, 2000
There whereabouts of actor Bill Donaghue (Eddie) are unknown. These are
some of the rumors circulating in regards to his whereabouts:
A. Bill is enrolled in cooking school at the exclusive Culinary
Institute of America, New Rochelle campus.
2. Bill has defected to Lithuania, where he was spotted performing
street puppet theater during an "Inside Edition" report on the country's
Olympic basketball team.
III. Due to an infestation of passenger pigeons, Bill was forced out of
a Boston apartment he was inhabiting and now roams Market Hall hailing
strangers with his patent pending shouts of "Yo, Ping Pong Head!"
iv. Bill was accidentally launched into space with a new part to the
international space station. In a massive effort to coverup NASA's
delivery blunder, Mr. Donoghue's whereabouts are being strongly denied.
Bill, if you are reading this, please let us know where you are! Rusted
Fork Media cares!
In other news, Peter is contemplating a costly food sweat glad
transplant to combat persistent and noxious foot stench. Please send
e-mails to encourage him to take this drastic step. Mail him at:
July 29, 2000
After a debilitating bout of giggles, we are glad to report that editor
David Klagsbrun is OK. Luckily, director George Nachtrieb is familiar
with the Trindellenberg maneuver, and was able to stop the giggles
before any serious damage had been done. If any of you are unfamiliar
with the Trindellenberg maneuver, you may want to consult your local Red
Cross to find out about classes in your area. Giggles can be scary, and
we should all know how to deal with them if they should happen.
In the meantime, we want to take a moment to wish Kathy Lee Gifford well
with her life beyond her humble and charming morning show. We've been
watching all week, but so far our Rusted Fork Media gift basket
containing smelling salts, beer dogs, nicotine patches, metamucil, and
herbal energy tablets has yet to be show on air. We were hoping that
our basket would be opened on air and that Ms. Lee-Gifford would consume
all of the contents. We can assure her, according to our own
experiments, if all those items are taken simultaneously, it's one of
the greatest natural highs experiencable this side of a good game of
dizzy bat. Kathy, we'd be honored by a signed thank you note on the
Gifford family stationary.
July 14, 2000
Peter's attempts to infiltrate the set of CBS'
Survivor series have failed. Using a palm leaf
covered dirigible, Peter managed to airlift himself to
the secret island and drop into the island center with
a makeshift parachute. He barely missed impaling
himself on one of the tribal council torches, before
he was discovered by a sharp eyed group of producers
who were preparing to release the snakes on some
unsuspecting contestants. Better luck next time Pete.
In other news, God stopped by the Rusted Fork Media
offices the other day. Apparently he frequents Jose's
corndog cart right outside our building, and decided
to come on up for a looksee. We had a great laugh
over our Satan altar, and God actually gave the staff
a few great food safety pointers. He's a cool guy,
and surprisingly down to earth.
June 24, 2000
Someone has stolen the hard drive!
A shocking abuse of the digital age has transpired in the Rusted Fork Media vaults, where someone (probably Jon Hoeber) has removed the hard drive containing the film epic, Welcome Space Brothers. The drive contains exact information on how to assemble and disassemble a quality independent comedy film. One can only tremble immensely thinking what an untrained volatile extremist (such as Jon Hoeber) could do with such information. It is so painful to think how Welcome Space Brothers could become tarnished with un-necessary edits, political insurgence, and more fart jokes.
Oh wait. hold on..
What? Its where? Oh Jesus.
Someone put it in the cooler with all the Schiltz. Jon!!!!
June 12, 2000
Rumors that new LA resident DP Lizzie Turnblatt "doesn't really get" the new intro sequence are completely false. An article which appeared in Variety this week quoted Ms. Turnblatt as saying "You know. I guess I kinda didn't really get what was going on there really. I don't know. I'm a little tired but it seems like there's something there that's not there or I can't really think, we've been working nights I am so wiped."
This is a horrendous misquote. What Ms. Turnblatt actually said was "My God, we really will win the Oscar! Move over David O Russell!" It seem unclear to us how the usually savvy folks at Variety got this one wrong, and we are demanding an apology. We have already pulled our full page ad honoring Gabriel Fleming's birthday from the newspaper. Instead we will just be sending him flowers.
June 4, 2000
Damn that Ruth.
Once again the accursed Ruth has absconded with the
key to the corporate bathroom. If anyone knows of her
whereabouts, please discreetly inform us so we can
sneak up on her and get it back. Ruth, if you are
reading this, this joke is no longer funny so cut it
In real gossip news, editor David Klagsbrun has
announced that he is preparing to attend Bat Gliding
Camp in England, at the famed cliffs of Dover. We
wish David well and hope that he remembers to bring
his helmet, hip pads, and his rubbers (For water
May 22, 2000
Peter is in great danger.
We can't say for sure, but we are concerned about his
well being. Recently, security guards spotted Peter
painting himself like a zebra and sprinting through
the leopard environment at the Los Angeles zoo. It is
believe he was after the adrenaline fueled thrill of
the predator/prey chase. He is also rumored to have
taken to "bat-gliding", a brand new extreme sport
where hang-gliders fly with blindfolds and attempt to
navigate with sonar, like the magnificent fruit bat.
(So, if you hear hang-gliders chirping loudly and
desperately before they smash into the earth, you know
what's going on.)
What is fueling Peter's newfound desire to test his
limits is anyone's guess. We think it must be related
to a Prozac/Viagra conflict. Only time and further
testing will tell...
May 12, 2000
As you may have noticed, our precious gossip column was one of many unwitting victims to the horrible, merciless "Love Bug." While damage estimates are as yet not complete, it is clear that the affect of the virus was grand. George still has a runny nose. Peter's knee has swollen up again. The rough cut of Welcome Space Brothers has been re-edited as a period costume drama. And Dreamworks still won't return our calls.
It is our hope that everything will quickly return to normal at the RFM offices very soon. Everything should be under control around the same time Elian gets sent back to Cuba.
May 5, 2000
May 5, 2000
May 5, 2000
May 5, 2000
This is to confirm your Mother's day gift.
May 5, 2000
May 5, 2000
God Bless the Philippines!!
May 2, 2000
According to the smashing new film, Gossip, this column has resulted in horrendous life ruining and deaths. Rusted Fork Media would like to apologize for any life ruining or death our rumor mongering has dispensed on your person. However, me must press on with our mission, despite the risks you may incur. Viva la freespeech!
Getting down to business, it appears that Rusted Fork Media Camera Assistant Dana Goldberg has thrown out longtime roommate Lizzie Turnblatt and forced her to move out of the Bay Area. While the reason for this skirmish is uncertain, the public explanation of "oh I'm moving to LA for work reasons" doesn't quite ring true seeing that the Bay Area is simply a hotbed for work in the entertainment industry, and Ms. Turnblatt was practically one degree away from a lucrative position at Nash Bridges.
The main theory is that new roommate (and cow costume builder) Sarah Meyer is a better chef and has offered to cook for Ms. Goldberg on a regular basis. Ms Turnblatt was known to be adamant in always ordering out for food and its quite possible this was the kernel of conflict that caused the whole relationship to pop.
We plan to get to the bottom of this and will post any unsubstantiated news we hear.
April 15, 2000
We are proud to announce that we will stop testing our
film, Welcome Space Brothers, on captive housepets (a.k.a. animals).
Critics have pointed out that this sort of animal testing is unnecessary
and, given the nature of our brand of filmed entertainment, potentially
hazardous to some breeds of humorless cats (a.k.a. inbred Siamese). Plus,
Peter's allergies were kicking in during each feline screening, and we were spending way too much post production money on Claritin. So
everything is all for the best. Our only regret is being unable to resolve the age-old question: Do cats really taste like chicken?
And Yes, the rumors are true and official apologies are about to be issued.
Due to some oversights in Rusted Fork Media's research, the current
"Cave-people of the Pleistocene" diorama on display in our home office
lobby has come under some criticism. It seems that Cave-women of the
Pleistocene did not, in fact, carry flashy handbags. Informed
anthropologists have thrown down the authenticity gauntlet (a rather hideous sight to witness), and claim that Cave-women of the Pleistocene actually used animal fur satchels to carry their varied cave accessories and pilfered cave office supplies. You can rest assured that our display designers are making the proper adjustments to insure the highest degree of historical accuracy. We will also be adding a new display to the exhibit, "If Cave People lived on Mir Space Station."
April 4, 2000
Rusted Fork Media, LLC, has decided to delay our highly anticipated initial public offering (IPO) due to the recent fluctuations in the nation's stock markets. Apparently, companies with no track record or reliable revenue sources are no longer being invested in by every man, woman, and institution with internet access. We hope this trend will reverse itself in the next week or two, and people will resume their jolly speculating.
March 24, 2000
Yesterday heralded the second annual Rusted Fork Media LLC Oscar Party Wardrobe Acquisition Jubilee. On this day, the entire office packed it up early and headed down to our local Marshall's department store to purchase our outfits for Hollywood's biggest night.
Frank Castro nabbed a very nice lycra sport tuxedo which, when worn with sunglasses, will be sure to penetrate the sub-conscious of all the ladies. Lizzie Turnblatt found a nice, slightly irregular, strapless gown, made of a synthetic fabric that looks great, and also practically guarantees Ms. Turnblatt will not be able to be lit on fire on Oscar Night. Of course, she will be lighting fires in the hearts of all the guys. Step aside, Ms. Lopez, there's a new DP in town!
By lottery, George Nachtrieb was chosen to be worst dressed at the Oscar Party this year. George will be wearing assorted, very marked down, home furnishings duct taped together into something that looks like a very large doily.
I am not sure if I spelled "doily" right. I am talking about the word that when you pronounce it doylee. That patterned weaved thing you put on tables. Did I spell it right. And how many typos can you see on this site. Send your discoveries to us now: firstname.lastname@example.org.
March 11, 2000
Rusted Fork Media Super Tuesday Report
Well the polls are closed and we all have our voting stickers plastered
on our winter sweaters. We made a big pot of cocoa, had some cookies,
and walked hand in hand down to our local polling place (The Berflitz
Elementary School) for a little democracy action. Singing songs of
freedom, RFM principal Peter cast his ballot of justice, while RFM
co-principal George hummed Stars and Stripes Forever while vigorously
punching holes in his ballot card. We love America!
Rusted Fork Media - Super Tuesday Follow-up
We at Rusted Fork Media were so inspired by our election day experience,
we have decided to begin circulating some petitions to add to the
California ballot measures in the next free and democratic election.
Here are our measures:
1. Vote to forbid legal marriage and cross breeding of different
vegetables. This whole new Asparagus-Broccoli hybrid is too much and is
not at all what God intended with those vegetables. It threatens the
fabric of the Vegetable moral fiber (cellulose).
2. Vote to allow Rusted Fork Media to build a casino next to the
Awahnee Lodge in the heart of Yosemite Valley. We think pulling the
slots while you stare up at the falls would be super fantastic. Plus
all the clanging noise would keep those pesky deer from eating our palm
trees and distracting the showgirls.
3. After California measure 23, which would add "None of the above" to
selected voting options, our measure would add yet another option...
"All of the above." It's only fair.
4. A final proposition would legalize the state sponsored killing of children. Oh wait...I guess someone beat us to that.
Please e-mail us your signature so we can add you to the petition for
these measures. Thanks.
February 15, 2000
If you had trouble accessing our site last week, you were not alone. It appears some hate-filled, satanic, acne scarred, reject teen hacker attacked our website with what is commonly known as a "clickalot" attack, where the ruffian kept clicking on our "invest in Rusted Fork Media LLC" section, thus preventing all legitimate donors from accessing our interface. In addition, this crazed technoterrorist sent repeated non-sensical emails to George Nachtrieb, repeatedly asking if he is a vendor of batteries. Apparently some of our competitors. such as Yahoo and CNN, were struck as well with similar nuisance.
Please be advised that the FBI is currently on the case of tracking down this outlaw, who no doubt has been reading a bit too much of the Ted Kasczynski Literary Omnibus.
In other gossip, WSB's DP, Lizzie Turnblatt, is moving to Phoenix, Arizona, where she plans on pursuing her dream of building the worlds largest water park. Good luck, Lizzie! Let's just hope the concession stands sell something besides butter cookies and meat!
January 30, 2000
Rusted Fork Media Superbowl Report -
Well, It appears the folks at ABC broadcasting misplaced our special 60
second Welcome Space Brothers and rustedfork.com promo. Word is
that an intern assigned with the task of obtaining glazed Krispy Kreme
doughnuts for Frank Gifford, accidentally sent our commercial master
video tape through the glazing wash. Unfortunately we were not able to
get our backup transferred from PAL in time for kickoff. Frank Gifford, we are delighted to report, has been fired because of the snafu.
If our spot had made it to the air, this is what you would have seen:
A happy monkey flies in a spaceship while an announcer talks about
e-commerce in a vague and somewhat detached, quasi-ironic manner, and kids from across the world have a sing along and ask us if "we are ready"; (it is left to the audience to decide whether the kids are asking us if we're ready for the internet revolution, or a revolutionary new way to get a close shave). There are some random wacky ducks crawling around in the background and a granny holding a flat TV monitor showing the same half second clip from the film Welcome Space Brothers. It ends with a dramatic title card that says, "rustedfork.com - Don't believe the lack of hype," which is only on the screen for one third of second.
We feel we could have won some awards, thus justifying blowing all that money. But hey, that's life in the big leagues I suppose.
We know what this about, really. What with all this Time/Warner/AOL/Ben and Jerry's/Procter and Gamble/Oppress the Planet Inc. merging and these big conglomerates doing all their stock swaps and strategic alliances. They think its OK to squash the ad of the little guy, the small people without a distribution deal. This is corporate oppression, ladies and gentleman! This is so everyone will run out and spend their hard earned dollars on some Jerry Bruckheimer Ode to Manliness Will Smith Action Picture I'm the King of the World and your MIND! THEY ARE MIND READERS! THEY CAN READ YOUR MIND!!!! STOP THEM BEFORE THEY..............
It appears our intern, Miss Susie Hangshup, has unfortunately encountered a personal mental crisis whilst writing this week's gossip column. We apologize for any damage she may have emotionally caused any reader. Please be comforted in knowing that Miss Hangshup is taking a nice warm bath.
January 18, 2000
We have a new crane! That's right, Rusted Fork principal Peter
Nachtrieb is currently out in the yard pushing the diesel engine to the
max as he lifts objects into the air. Here is a partial list of hoisted
1. A Polar bear (1200 lbs.)
2. Our neighbor, Mindy Fitzume (145 lbs.)
3. A Victoria Secret Model (36 lbs.)
4. A bag of oranges (10 lbs.)
When you swing by the corporate offices here at Rusted Fork Media, be
sure to have the receptionist point out the three story crane, and, if
there's not a line of waiting employees, we'll let you give 'er a spin.
Oohhh, look! There are Canadian geese flying past the window! Oh,
they're beautiful. Perhaps I should count them and report the findings
to birdwatch 2000. Anyone out there have birdwatches e-mail?
Hey, my feet are on fire.
January 2, 1900
Well, it seems like the Y2K problem has passed us without a hitch! Hurrah!
Rusted Fork Media, LLC has made the following resolutions. WE PROMISE IN MM -
- To love all humans as brothers..
- To stop harassing the giraffes at the zoo.
- To finally weigh oneself before and after having eaten a poundcake.
- To finally attend the "sperm donation as a way to finance a film" seminar at the Learning Annex.
- To stop singing Crystal Gale songs in the shower.
- To at least consider removing some of the Crystal Gale paraphernalia currently cluttering the office.
- To finally send that fan letter to Crystal Gale.
- To encourage VH1's Behind the Music to do a show on Crystal Gale.
- To consider the thought of converting Welcome Space Brothers into a very special episode of VH1's Behind the Music
- To never employ sweatshop labor in US territories to make our shirts or animation sequences.
- To take a sauna
We would appreciate any additional resolutions you would suggest for us. Ex-significants are not allowed to send emails.
December 16, 1999
Dylan Southard, production helper extraordinare, is rumored to be in Italy where he is apprenticing at a premier Buffalo mozzarella farm and dairy. Apparently, the first part of the apprenticeship involves the delicate art of Buffalo teet milking. Buffalo teets are notoriously difficult to milk, and that's only after you can get the anxious animal calm enough to stop kicking wildly. Supposedly speaking soothing words into the ear of the buffalo during the hand milking is key to the general success of the operation. Dylan, if you're out there, drop us a line an let us know how things are going!
In other Rusted Fork Media, LLC gossip: Frank Castro's bid to become a Seattle Seahawk ended abruptly at a Minnesota all you can eat Steak buffet, where Mr. Castro slipped on an errant piece of cherry cobbler and re-injured his already tender left buttock. On the bright side, representatives of UPN's hit World Wrestling Federation witnessed the salad bar fiasco and have reportedly offered him an open role on their pay per view show. Way to go Frank, or should we say, "The Rowdy Rowdy Banjo Demon"!
Director of Photography Lizzie Turnblatt and actor James Bewley have denied rumors that they are engaged to be married in a South Lake Tahoe wedding chapel at the turn of the millennium. Both parties claim they are "just friends" and are in fact trying to patch things up after a long and worn out series of heated e-mails (transcripts are available for 6 dollars). Believe who you will, but we here at Rusted Fork Media, LLC are all ready to send the happy couple a veggie food dehydrator gift at the announcement of the nuptials.
November 29, 1999
Peter has decided to follow his brother George into the exciting realm
of cosmetic surgery. Peter recently returned from the Shangri-La
Institute of Surgical Enhancement with collagen injected lips. We wish
him the best with his newfound pouty look.
In other Rusted Fork Media news... Editor David Klagsbrun has announced
that he will be dressing as a Q-tip for Halloween next year...DP Julie
Kirkwood is thinking of expanding her hobby of kelp forestry into a full
fledged second career... Frank Castro is in training for next years
Seattle Seahawks reserve camp where he hopes to become the new right
tackle... Actress Sally Dana continues to wow crowds with her hula hoop
and kettle drum performances... Actor Richard Thornduke III can
currently be seen iron smithing as part of the west coast "Mideivel World
Faire"... Actress Kimberly Richards is holding on her announcement of
candidacy for the New York State senate race (she has our vote!)...
Actor Warren David Keith was recently spotted at a Point Reyes Owl
festival, where he was apparently serving as BBQ pit boss... and finally
Rusted Fork Media is planning its new years event BURNING TWIG for the
stroke of midnight on DEC 31. Interested parties should contact us
November 17, 1999
Mystery solved! George's nose has been found!!
In an as yet unexplained, bizarre scientific miracle, Mr. Nachtrieb's newly modified nasus embedded itself into the liver of his brother, Peter. The nose will be removed today at the California Pacific Medical Center in San Francisco. No word on prognosis for reattachment George's very expensively remade cavity.
November 11, 1999
Due to the volumes of received e-mails, we feel it is time to put some
of the more popular Rusted Fork Media, LLC rumors to rest. Please be
advised of the following:
Recent rumors that Rusted Fork Media, LLC will buy Amazon.com in a
multiple billion dollar stock swap can not be confirmed at this point in
time. Rusted Fork Media has no publicly stated plans to acquire Amazon,
and while we have very much enjoyed our "poppin' fresh" crescent roll
and jelly breakfast meetings with Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, we feel a union
of our two empires would be inappropriate at this time.
Contrary to popular belief, our film, "Welcome Space Brothers", is not
alien propaganda intended to numb human minds before an alien invasion
in 2003. The producers of the film deny any knowledge of an invasion.
Furthermore, the producers are convinced that if alien life does exist,
it must be cute and fuzzy and would certainly have no intention of
taking over our beautiful and kind planet full of friendly and open
The Rusted Fork Media LLC holiday herring buffet is not open to the
public at large. It is a private function intended for high flying
captains of industry and famous Nordic celebrities. For those who have
been writing and asking for tickets to the function, we recommend
consulting your local Norwegian oriented Lions Club for similar events
in your local area.
Once again, thanks for all of your feedback and questions.
November 1, 1999
George's nose is missing.
The brand new surgically sculpted nose of
George Nachtrieb was taken from his bedside table while he was sleeping
in a quiet New York hotel room. Police officials believe the nosenapping is related to a nationwide spree of nose abductions led by the
infamous Karl Abrahms agency. This group steals the newly surgered
noses of famous celebrities (like Mr. Nachtrieb) and sells them on the
Russian Black Market (which is being held this weekend in at the Smiling Oaks Mall in Topeka, KN) for astronomical prices (in hard currency, or for the trade of shiny rocks).
There are also rumors that many of the noses are being recycled into ultra sturdy NHL hockey
pucks, which may explain the involvement of the Russian underworld. Other rumors suggest that Mr. Nachtrieb's nose is now being used as a recycled tire, or perhaps as a double toothbrush holder for some unsuspecting couple who just bought it at the Russian Black Market thinking it was cute.
Needless to say, a picture of Mr. Nachtrieb's new nose will not be
appearing this week in the gossip column, as the nasty criminals also stole the disposable camera that contained the handsome portrait of the new nasus (new word for nose at left is the sole property of Rusted Fork Media, LLC).
Please stand by for further reports on the status on the world-wide search, code named "operation smell this."
October 18, 1999
Here are some of the earthquake letters we received over the last week.
Thanks for all of your responses, and sorry we could not print them all,
but there were simply too many to include!
"I can tell when an earthquake is coming by measuring the size of the
nose of a neighbor's lawn gnome. When the lawn gnome's nose grows by
several centimeters, tectonic giggling is imminent."
Zeke Tolmann, PhD., Cal Tech
"When the the toast has blackened it must be scraped with
a knife to remove the bitter carbon."
Jacques Pepin, PBS Celebrity
"When there's an earthquake, I like to make sure that I'm surrounded by
good friends. When you have your friends, the good ones, around,
earthquakes are manageable. It also helps to have a couple cases of
Michelob around to share with the good friends."
Virginia "Ginnie" Mulhoon, Dallas Texas.
"When celebrities mate, there will always be seismic consequences.
Someone should tell Melanie and Antonio to take it easy for the San
Mitch Gelson, Nationalenquirer.com
Stay tuned for next week's update on George's new nose! Apparently, the
discoloration is gone and he's looking marvelous in that special Los
October 6, 1999
Earthquake Watch 99 continues in the San Francisco offices of Rusted Fork Media. Many portents of a big one have appeared:
- Still, slightly humid weather, partly cloudy skies.
- Jittery pets and wilting plants.
- James Bewley's darn knee is acting up again.
- Strange care free ambivalence among the majority of the populace.
- An increase of unreinforced masonry buildings for sale.
- Talk show host, Roc Lashfire, says its so.
- Talk show host, Oprah Winfrey, says it ain't so.
- Evangelist Jerry Falwell has fat legs.
- Recent resilient, and beautiful feelings felt in doorways.
- Alcohol has been legalized!
Any other portents we forgot? Send em to our Earthquake Watch 99 Center Coordinator: email@example.com and we will post them next week on the site, to share valuable information. Carry a helmet, all!
September 27, 1999
Bad News Day
Rusted Fork Media regrets to announce that it did not make the wonderful film American Beauty. While theoretically it could have made this picture, it didn't and so will not be able to take any credit, critical or financial, for its goodness or success. But Kudos to Dreamworks Pictures for making their first good film! Spread the wealth, that's what we say.
RFM, LLC also sadly announces the firing of longtime worker Brandon Fitzgerald, who started creeping us out way too much by constantly whispering in co-workers ears that he sees "Dead People." All the time, apparently. What really sent him out the door was his knowledge of the answer to a question that Space Brothers cast member Erin Bradley had asked at her Grandmother's grave (the alleged answer: "Nova Scotia".) Brandon may now be contacted at his new job at the Scientology Celebrity Center, where he works in recruitment.
In other bad news: None of us are getting any younger, the days are getting shorter, the G4 has a software glitch, and no-one seems to be stepping up to the plate to reform health care.
September 17, 1999
Rusted Fork Media is still feeling the aftermath of Hurricane Floyd. Upon hearing of the upcoming storm, our staff quickly moved into action and boarded the giant windows of our LA offices, sandbagged the doors, and distributed our contingency plan freeze dried rations that we keep around for natural disasters and personal crises. After each staff member received their 3 days of foodstuffs, we quickly fled the city, and headed for Las Vegas, where unfortunately the foreign distribution rights to Welcome Space Brothers were lost at the Craps table.
An application has been submitted to FEMA, for possible reimbursement. Or maybe FEMA might be interested in investing. Hmmmmm.....
September 9, 1999
Pool Party 99 was out of control this past Labor Day! In attendance: Dana "That's not all I can do with this Sarong" Goldberg, Julie "Wow, butter cookies sure are good in the pool" Kirkwood, James "cow" Bewley, Brad "59 cent party special burger" Robertson, Bri "Its all Good" Robinson, Ezra "Drunken Backflip" Connel, Peter "Reflect-o-Belly" Nachtrieb, Ursula "There's not enough to eat" Nachtrieb, and Harold "cannonball-crazy" Nachtrieb, and of course the usual crew of Solid Gold Dancers and High School kids.
Highlights included: Swimming in the pool, riding the inflatable shark, drying off, and tanning. Ms. Kirkwood went stir crazy when she decided to enter in the pool NOT SLOWLY and in fact just JUMPED IN THE POOL. That was how crazy the antics got. Not only that, but local cat, Musch, hid under the bushes for most of the party as things were so nuts.
August 30, 1999
Unconfirmed reports have been confirmed by semi-reliable sources! It
appears that Southern California based Rusted Fork Media LLC principal,
George Nachtrieb, has undergone extensive plastic surgery to resculpt
what doctors call a "deviated septum." Ace photographer William C.
Youngs is currently camped out in bushes outside the luxurios Beverly
Hills Hotel where Mr. Nachtrieb is recuperating. Mr. Youngs hopes to
use his massive telephoto lens to procure a clear shot of George with
his new olfactory appendage. We'll be sure to post it as soon as we can
fit it in our scanner...
Peter Nachtrieb would not confirm or deny rumors of the nose sculpting.
He only commented, "George's nose has always been a glimmering beacon on
this lonely highway of life. I don't think he'd go out and just screw
with his beacon."
We'll keep you posted of any new developments.
August 22, 1999
Well, we thought it was time to respond to some of the volumes of mail
we've received here at Rusted Fork Media's "Welcome Space Brothers"
website. Here we go...
"My boyfriend told me to take a look at your site and I really don't see
what the big deal is. Those Blair Witch people have a better site than
yours for sure! Maybe you can make yours a bit scarier and make up some
stuff about how there's a ghost floating around who mysteriously kills
pretentious and annoying teens. I'd like that. Make it more scarier!"
Bethany McCune, Age 23, Myrtle Beach, NC
Well Bethany, many others share your feelings and we've put many minutes
of hard thought into it. We've come to the following conclusion: If
you'd like to be really scared after browsing our website, try sending
us your credit card numbers, expiration dates, social security number,
passport number, bank account numbers, PIN numbers, birth date and
mothers maiden name. Then, after you've sent that stuff, think about the
fact that we are a cash starved independent film company, and wait for
real fear to sink in! --RFM
"I heard that someone in your crew was a huge fan of dried prunes. Can
you tell us a bit more about that?" Francis Berkendle, Age 36, Ithica,
Well Francis, there were actually two huge prune fans on the crew,
Director of Photography Lizzie Turnblatt and sound engineer Brad
Robertson. In fact, the two engaged in a now notorious "prune off" at
the completion our fifteenth shoot day, with Brad barely emerging as the
victor after consuming a total of 54 prunes in under twenty minutes.
Brad was awarded the golden prune, which he promptly ate. Julie vows to
win in a rematch. --RFM
Well, that's the cream of the crop for this weeks correspondence. Keep
those letters coming folks, we at Rusted Fork Media, LLC love to hear
August 6, 1999
It may be the naughtiest wrap party on record!
The Shenanigans were out of control at the Welcome Space Brothers wrap party which took place on a "fiesta cable car" driving all about San Francisco. A major highlight was the ability of all the folks on the cable car to look for people walking by on the street and to shout "wooooooo!" at them. It made us all feel like we were post-fraternity/sorority investment bankers.
Savvy sexy bovine actor James Bewley disappeared in the wrap party "nookie tent" for several hours, taking only his cow costume and a pitcher of sangria.
Director of Photography Lizzie Turnblatt fashioned herself a fishing line to which she attached butter cookies and subsequently dipped into a mug of rum. Dana Goldberg, camera assistant extraordinaire, was right there to gobble the soaked "bait," in between her enthusiastic whoops at the strolling yuppies.
But nothing could top Director George Nachtrieb's wild antics of standing on the very top of the cable car waving a giant Jolly Roger flag about, shouting "I am a pirate! I am a pirate."
Post Production will be a welcome reprieve for us all.
July 31, 1999
Wacky fun ensued on the day of Rusted Fork Media's semi-annual blood drive. Our entire crew donated a single collective quart of blood which we are hoping will go and save the children. Whilst the afternoon was a little difficult to get through standing up, the specially donated donuts from Nicasio Donut Place kept us running and led to a solid shooting of the climactic napkin sequence.
July 11, 1999
Gossip has been light in recent weeks due to a recent loss in social life of all those involved with the production. Director of Photography Lizzie Turnblatt did manage to succeed in eating an entire Costco sized tub of English butter cookies in less than hour, thus receiving the tub free, plus a complimentary bucket.
June 28, 1999
From the Cast of Rusted Fork Media: UFO cult member Duane Schirmer has decided to incorporate into his character his favorite moments from the hit musical, Rent. While none of this will be readily apparent to the viewer, Duane's lines will be inflected with the raw emotion and power evoked in the loud theatrical entertainment now being observed by thousands of unfortunate patrons every week. Its a wonder to see the actor go through his process and actually pretend like he's wearing a headset microphone.
On another note, it has been sadly reported to Rusted Fork Media that the Coca Cola company will not be paying us millions of dollars for our reference to their product in the film. As retribution, the soda reference has been changed to a reference to salmon.
June 22, 1999
The Rusted Fork Media Store is now open for business at the brand new Sony Metreon entertainment shop-o-plex in San Francisco. Utilizing the innovative new "oo this is out of the box, let me prod it" style of shopping, all of the "forks products will be fully accessible to the shopper. Don't miss your chance to play with our plush toys, vinyl storybooks, high tech sandwiches, and self laminators before you buy! See something you like, simply track down the nearest salesperson (who'll be wearing an all red inflatable suit) and they'll help you spend your money!
And don't forget, each purchase goes directly to helping the families of rich executives!
June 10, 1999
Rusted Fork Media is aggressively fighting off attempts by the National Rifle Association to put more use of guns in Welcome Space Brothers, which currently sees no use of firearms. Originally beginning as a friendly correspondence, the NRA quickly became nasty, calling us "wusses" and "hippies" after our repeated refusals to have the character of Heidi wear a shirt that says "I Love Freedom! I love Assault Weapons!" They even threatened to send Charlton Heston to our set where he would drive a horse-chariot through the frame every time we'd try to shoot our climactic scene.
You will be happy to know that Rusted Fork Media is sticking to its guns, and the NRA has been left with nothing more to do than continue mettling in national policy.
June 2, 1999
Small script revisions had to be made to the script of Welcome Space Brothers, removing any mention of cough drops containing Mentho-Lyptus, a word that is apparently a registered trademark of the Halls Corporation.
While the plot of the film remains generally unchanged, Kathy will no longer say "faster than you can say....Mentho-Lyptus!" and will instead utter "faster than you can say...pole vault." This of course does reduce 2 syllables from the word, thereby making whatever she's talking about even faster.
May 26, 1999
Rusted Fork Media is working hard on planning an elaborately staged bar brawl in San Francisco's Mission District to raise money and awareness for their film. The fun'll begin when George calls Peter a "turd in a glass" to which Peter will wackily spit beer at George. Don't miss the entry of the entire San Francisco Symphony Chorus as they start throwing chairs whilst singing favorite selections from Orff's Carmina Burana. Tickets will be a mere $500 with midnight champagne toast included! Stay tuned for more details!
May 19, 1999 UPDATE
Due to an unfortunate mishap, our Production Assistant assigned to purchase tickets for the entire company, bought us tickets to five consecutive screenings of that other eagerly anticipated film, Notting Hill. Needless to say, everyone was angry, upset, bitter, slowly engaged, more interested, touched, and finally rather moved.
May 19, 1999
Today, the entire Rusted Fork Media crew is heading off to our local multiplex where we are planning to enjoy 5 continuous screenings of The Phantom Menace, get really depressed and wonder if perhaps the last 15 years of our life spent in anticipation meant nothing, that the world is empty, and perhaps we should have taken that accounting job.
But then we will rebound and surge with joy because WE ARE MAKING A MOVIE!!
April 29, 1999
Well kids, the letters have been flooding in and the Rusted Fork
Postmaster is feeling pretty darned overwhelmed. Here are some excerpts
from your varied correspondence:
"I like to look at your page and see the wizard picture. Nice and
Ted Simmons, Omaha Nebraska, Age 10.
"I would like to respond to allegations made recently about my person in
your gossip column. Those claims were absolutely false and I deny
everything. I have done absolutely nothing these past three months
except sit on my couch and watch the Jenny Jones Show makeover special
repeats. See! So you tell me how I could have been on my couch and
then participate in that barnyard mayhem you so vividly describe. Name
your source. I dare you...(the letter continues)"
Petaluma California, Age 36
"Sometimes when I look at your page, I get cramps. Please help me."
Mildred Fitzume, Orlando Florida, Age 56
Keep those letters coming folks! We can't respond to everyone, but
we'll keep doing our best.
April 15, 1999
Happy tax day everybody! This is the one week where its OK to talk about taxes, so go ballistic with your tax talk! Come tomorrow, the topic is once again very boring, especially on dates, unless of course you are planning on using your refund check to buy me a drink.
April 8, 1999
In a tragic misstep of common sense, George Nachtrieb actually believed that a particular home perm kit would be as impressive as a salon perm, prompting everyone to ask him if he indeed had gone to the salon to get his perm only to negate their assumptions and say "NO, its a HOME PERM." But this isn't going to happen because the perm looks terrible. George will be shaving his head next Tuesday, live on the internet. Please go to myfirstshave.com
April 2, 1999
Apparently, the month has changed, and that has all the folks at Rusted Fork Media in a flutter rushing about the offices re-adjusting the calendars. While we were indeed prepared to deal this situation, the "Month of April Problem" was a tricky one to solve. Needless to say, little else has been achieved in the last day, but hopefully things will soon be resuming to inter-month normalcy and much will be accomplished.
Speaking of achievement, congratulations to Rusted Fork's very own Frank Castro for finally deciding to pursue his life long dream of becoming a professional Ice Sculpturist. We wish you the best of luck in Juneau this spring, Frank!
Ericka Shulman proudly reports phase three of her mission to infiltrate
the Russian cosmonaut program is complete. We all wish her well with
phase four where she will be dealing with booster rockets in antigravity
In addition, confidential sources report that the big bad wolf is still
trying to blow down the brick house. However, the flowers and grasses
are beginning their spring bloom and observers are concerned about the
wolf's allergy attacks rearing their ugly head.
Peter Nachtrieb is currently deciding whether he should go the Gym or not. In reality, he probably won't go, but is feeling bad because he has slightly fallen of his 3 day a week cycle and needs to get back on it so he can be buff and chiseled for summer. It is possible he could procrastinate the trip to the morning before work, but then who is he kidding really?
March 17, 1999
Its the time of year where we at Rusted Fork Media make our predictions and wishes for Oscar night! Here's the first batch!
Best Picture - During Steven Spielberg's acceptance speech, James Cameron will cross the stage naked, showing the whole TV audience his "king of the world."
Most distressing things seen on stage - Shameless self-lauding for doing semi-good deeds, exploiting one's wealth and celebrity, wearing crappy gowns, and arm circumferences of too many Hollywood Actresses.
Other Notable Predicted Moments
When receiving her award for best actress, Gwenneth Paltrow will shoot
beams of light out of her head, sprout wings and fly up to heaven.
Monica Lewinski will rush the podium during Steven Spielberg's best
director acceptance speech. She will then reveal a bare midriff with
the words "SOY BOMB" scrawled across her belly, and will gyrate wildly
until pulled from the stage.
There will be a total of three cutaways to Jack Nicholson during the
During the opening red carpet coverage, Geena Davis will rip off her
dress to reveal pirate garb and will sprint off to swashbuckle a
surprised Gloria Stewart.
Edward Norton JR. will insist that people start calling him, "Lars the
Powerful." He will then found his own theater company.
A glorious Debbie Allen dance number will end in tragedy when a pit
bull, loose from a neighboring pound, severs the leg of a dancer and
pulls it offstage for burial in the shrine auditorium rose garden.
The following words will NOT be used to describe presenters:
Porcine, Generally Charming, Everyone's Favorite Asshole, Tedious, Award Whore, Busty, Way Too Old to be Married to a 27 year old, Friend of Ronald Reagan.
March 7, 1999
Its Girl Scout Cookie time! Apparently, Thin Mints remain the most popular choice. While many boxes are still named after various Island Nations, some boxes apparently appear without the ethnic references. Perhaps it is a plot!
Speaking of plots, the one for our film is really good. I am quite excited about it.
My Corn Pops are almost gone, and I am of mixed feelings about them. They did something weird to the milk, which made it taste somewhat fluffy in my mouth. I didn't really feel good about that. I don't like fluffy milk. Maybe all sugar cereals do this. I don't get them too often. I'm a Cheerios kinda guy.
March 1, 1999
Word is Corn Pops are a "club special" at Safeway Stores in Northern California, offering folks the chance to buy two boxes for five dollars.
What is truth?
Sources from the southland are rumbling about a possible change in seasons to happen sometime later this month. Stay tuned!
February, 16, 1999
George Nachtrieb has discovered a new product for his hair: Pomade! This waxy substance allows the hair to muss and clump in a way that enhances hair body and shape. When first putting the pomade in his hair, George said "oo!"
February, 9, 1999
What a hot shocker were the Oscar Nominations! Rusted's annual "Oscar Nomination Hoopla Breakfast" was a nailbiter (albeit a delicious one featuring quail egg omelets with wild mushrooms and tripe). Attendee Frank Castro choked on his muffin upon hearing the nomination of Fernanda Montenegro for Best Actress (he's a-OK, girls!).
Also featured at the Breakfast was the premiere performance of Alicia Fox's solo performance inspired by the nominees, Shakespeare in Elizabeth. Would the applause ever cease? As of 5:46 PM PST, the applauding hasn't ceased.
UPDATE: 5:47 PST -- The applauding has ceased.
February, 8, 1999
Whoo! Well, the Sundance Festival has wrapped and the folks at Rusted Fork Media have made their return to California without actually having seen any films. Rusted's principal, George Nachtrieb was recently spotted at "The Steps" in Santa Monica running up and down them in preparation for the grueling months of film preparation work ahead. Nachtrieb was wearing well worn Nike Air Cross Trainers, a stunning red Wesleyan University self-wicking exercise short, and a "Banana Joe's" V-neck tanktop.
Plans have been scrapped to co-release the film, Welcome Space Brothers, with the Warner Brother's Release, All Dogs Go to Heaven 4: Heaven is now Chock Full of Dogs! as it has been quickly realized that the latter film was merely a figment of the webmaster's imagination.
Hillary Hoeber has shocked the Entertainment Industry by leaving high powered agency, CAA, in order to pursue a career in living in San Francisco. Brothers Jon and Erich Hoeber still live in different houses. Peter Nachtrieb will probably go food shopping sometime today.
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